Robin: I haven't eaten for two days. Can we please, for the love of God, just order something now? Ted: Chinese? Barney: I don't like Chinese. Ted: Indian? Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese. Ted: Indian isn't chinese. Barney: Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. Why are we splitting hairs? Ted: Mexican? Barney: I just said I don't like Chinese.
Lily: Mmm! Oh, my God. This burger is so good. It's like Christmas in my mouth. Meat Christmas. Ted: It's like an angel from heaven landed in the kitchen at Maclaren's. Where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder. Barney: I love this burger so much, I want to sew my ass shut.
Ted: We didn't know our way around. Just getting back to the apartment took us three hours and one very helpful drag queen. Marshall: Wait, Betty Noir was a drag queen? Robin: Well, where do you think it was? Lily: Probably tucked between her legs. Barney: You know what's not a drag? Getting a home equity loan at Goliath National Bank. I'm just saying.
Philbin: Of course I remember the place. It was the best burger I ever had. I still have dreams about this burger. Beautiful, haunting dreams! I wake up at night screaming, "get out of my head, burger! Get out!" Marshall: That's the one, Mr. Philbin. Do you remember where it is? Philbin: No! I never wrote it down. But not a day goes by that I don't regret it. Marshall: Why? Why? Philbin: Do you know where it is? Marshall: No. Philbin: Huh? And if you tell me it's at the corner bistro, I'm gonna smack you right in the face! Barney: No, we don't. We don't know where it is. Philbin: Listen, blondie! Barney: Oh! Don't mess with me! Philbin: Daddy needs his meat. Barney: I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear! Philbin: What about you, lurch? And what about you, satchel-mouth?
Lily: Honey, I'm so excited for you. After all these interviews, after all these disappointments, you deserve a triumphant mouth full of meat. Barney: You know what else is a mouthful? All that double-talk other banks give you. At Goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment.
Lily: Barney, I hate to break this to you, but working for a bank's kind of lame. Barney: Oh, yeah. How lame is free automatic bill pay, Lil? How lame is 3.3% apy online savings? Yeah! That's right. Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, but you left me no choice.
Ted: Oh, my God. I'm never brushing my teeth again unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger. Lily: I think I just had my first burg-asm. Barney: Want... to take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, then take it back to my place, Put on a little Terence Trent D'arby, and then I would just... fool around a little bit. Nothing serious – just take it slow, you know?
Marshall: Just a burger? Just a burger? Robin, It's so much more than just a burger. I, I mean, that first bite... oh, what heaven that first bite is. The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast of an angel, resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. And then... a pickle... the most playful little pickle, and then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a, a patty of ground beef so exquisite... swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again in a fugue of sweets and savories so... Delightful. This is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. This is God speaking to us through food. Lily: And you got our wedding vows off the internet.
Ted: Everyone's got an underpants radius. For most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom, but as your self-esteem gets smaller, your underpants radius gets bigger. Robin: How big is Marshall's underpants radius?
Barney: You know, Lil, when times are tough, I like to remember the uplifting words of my favorite song.
♪ We'll be on your side when you need a friend
Through thick and thin
You can always depend
On the world leaders
In credit and banking..
Goliath National Bank.
Barney: Member FDIC.
(FDIC = Federal Deposit Insurance Corporationの略。連邦預金保険公社という訳語が充てられている)
Lily: I will never use a Goliath ATM ever again. Goliath National Bank sucks. It's the worst bank on the face of the earth. Attention, New Yorkers, this bank sucks! They suck!
Marshall: I got a job. Lily: What? Where? Marshall: Goliath National Bank. That's why Barney's been going on and on about how, how great Goliath is. He wanted you to be excited for me since we're going to be working there together. Barney: Well, technically not together. You won't have access to my floor.
Lily: But you want to be an environmental lawyer. Marshall: Yeah, you know, and I also want to be a harlem globetrotter and get paid in candy, but... in the meantime, I need a job, and this is, this is a really good one. It's great pay and there's good benefits, and to be honest, it gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning. You know, I have my whole life to save the planet, but right now I'm– I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again. Lily: You've got great pants. I love you. Marshall: I love you.
Marshall: It's stupid. I think about that first week in New York. You know? I was 22 years old. I had my whole future ahead of me. I guess I just kind of thought that if I could have that burger one more time and feel that way for one more night, that I might be able to check that off the list, and grow up, go work for the stupid bank, and just be happy.
Marshall: This is it. Ted: Yes! Marshall: It's exactly the same. It's the best burger in New York.
Lily: I want to get tiny fitted sheets for this burger, and just crawl into this bun, get all cozy, and die there. Robin: Oh, my God. I just want you inside of me. Barney: This feels so good. I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant. Marshall: If he does get that burger pregnant, I have dibs on the delicious burger babies.
Stars: Cobie Smulders as Robin Scherbatsky Jason Segel as Marshall Eriksen Neil Patrick Harris as Barney Stinson Alyson Hannigan as Lily Aldrin Bob Saget as Voice of Ted, 2030 Josh Radnor as Ted Mosby Lyndsy Fonseca as Daughter David Henrie as Son
Guest Star: Regis Philbin as Himself Charlene Amoia as Wendy